Calendar Boys
by MercuryPilgrim
Summary: The Shinigami Women's Association. The very name strikes fear into the heart of every male in the Soul Society. And this time, they've got an idea. HitsuMatsu


_Disclaimer: _I do not own Bleach or any of its affiliates. Anything that you recognise is property of its respective owners. Any relations to persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

_Base/s:_ Bleach

_Title:_ Calendar Boys

_Summary: _The Shinigami Women's Association. The very name strikes fear into the heart of every male in the Soul Society. And this time, they've got an idea. HitsuMatsu

_Music used for inspiration:_

* * *

><p>Nanao adjusted her glasses. She pursed her lips and tightened her hold on his clipboard as she waited for the rest of their members to arrive. Slowly, they filtered in and took their seats.<p>

She cleared her throat and opened her mouth to speak.

"Hi!"

She blinked and a long suffering expression made its way onto her face. Yachiru was smiling at the assembled shinigami with a sunny expression on her little face. Everyone greeted her – they had learned that a displeased Yachiru meant a displeased Zaraki- and she sat, bouncing in her seat.

Nanao cleared her throat again.

"Hello everyone." She greeted, receiving a few murmured answers and nods.

"To get straight to the point, we have a problem." She stated. The assembled women perked up.

"We, the Shinigami Women's Association, are running low on funds. Again."

"How much have we got left?" someone asked.

She winced and gave them a figure.

"That little? How could we possibly have spent so much?" Isane asked.

Nanao fixed the bouncing, pink haired lieutenant with a beady look.

"Ahem, _someone_ spent almost our entire budget on sweets."

Nods and resigned acceptance. She sighed again.

"So, we need something that can raise some funds. Any ideas?"

She took a step back, her pen poised to write down any acceptable idea. Soon, suggestions were flying.

"Cake sale?"

She shook her head.

"It won't raise enough. Besides, we'd have to buy ingredients and make sure it conforms to health and safety regulations... sorry." She explained. Not to mention the mess.

"Sponsored run?"

She gave Kiyone, who had voiced the suggestion, a look.

"We're shinigami."

"Oh."

A sponsored run would likely involve Flash Step, cheating and hour after hour of mindless running due to the insane stamina of most shinigami.

The suggestions got more and more unlikely, culminating with the idea of a bake-off between Rangiku Matsumoto and Orihime Inoue. Nanao grimaced just thinking about it.

"Remember those pictures we took last time we had this problem?"

This brought a wave of groans and much complaining.

Soi Fong, who had voiced the idea, held up a hand to stall protests.

"Why don't we make it less...risqué, and make it into a calendar. I'm sure we can find twelve men who can be assigned a month." She reasoned.

There was murmuring and general approval of the idea.

"Wait," Nanao interrupted. "Why only males?"

Soi Fin narrowed her eyes.

"Women are not to be objectified in such a grotesque manner! It's patriarchal and oppressive!" she hissed.

The group sweatdropped. Nanao made a mental not to never let Soi Fong into the living world again. Soul Society didn't _have_ feminism before this!

The second division captain gave them the evil eye and they hurriedly agreed. Nanao, seeing she was outnumbered, didn't bother to vote.

Yachiru was engrossed with a bag filled with brightly coloured, sugar coated gobstoppers no doubt gifted to her by the tenth division captain after him being accosted by Ukitake _again_. Nanao silently thanked the little captain as the sweets apparently glued the lieutenants jaws shut.

"Alright. I'll handle logistics. First things first, we need to decide who to include."

At once, she regretted asking the question as noise exploded from the women who entered gossip mode.

Eventually, after much argument and wheedling, they had a list.

"Do you honestly think Captain Kuchiki will agree to be Mr. January?" she asked, fully believing the stoic captain would decline. She got some fervent nods and she was tempted to shrug. "And what about Kurosaki being Mr. June? He's not even a real Soul Reaper!" she exclaimed, still perusing the list.

Rangiku shrugged.

"Maybe not. He's hot though."

Nanao really wished she could face palm.

* * *

><p>Somehow – and Rangiku was certain it had to do with their president – Byakuya Kuchiki had agreed to be Mr. January. She was tired and worn out but she had an almost complete list. The most difficult on <em>her <em>list so far had been convincing Hanataro to be Mr. February _and_ to take his shirt off. Kira - after much persuading - had agreed to be Mr. March while Hisagi, Yumichika and Renji had been coerced into being Messer's August, September and October respectively. She wondered how the others were doing with their assigned months, they had far less work to do than she did.

She yawned and looked down at her rather rumpled list. Only one name remained. Hmm, she might have to get some backup with this one.

Hitsugaya was sitting in his office, feeling – although he'd never admit it – rather lazy. The majority of the paperwork was done, sunlight was streaming in through the window, he had a mug of tea and best of all; his lieutenant was nowhere to be seen. Blessed peace.

He yawned, reached for his mug and drained the last of the liquid inside. He checked no one was looking and propped his feet on his desk, sinking into his chair and sighing in contentment. The now empty mug balanced rather precariously on his stomach rose and fell as his breathing evened and his eyes drooped shut.

Just five minutes. Then he would get back to work. Really, he would. Just five minutes...

"Captain!"

Hitsugaya jerked awake. He jumped and felt the mug wobble and start to fall. He made a grab for it, missed and tipped a little too far to the left, sending his feet flying off the desk and leaving him in a rumpled heap on the floor. Letting loose some more colourful vocabulary, he pulled himself up and met the eyes of his lieutenant, who was roaring with laughter.

"I'm glad you find my embarrassment so funny." He said dryly, settling himself back into his chair with a frown.

Rangiku's belly laughs died down into chuckles and she was finally able to speak.

"Oh Captain, you do provide endless amusement." She said and he grunted, apparently not impressed. Matsumoto's face took on a _look_ that Toshiro was intimately familiar with. He tensed.

"Sir," she began, drawing out the word. "I need you to do a favour for me."

"No."

She pouted.

"But you don't even know what it is yet!"

"I don't care. Whatever it is will be bad for me. The answer is no."

"What if it's something you've always wanted to do for me?"

"Is it?"

"Well no, but it might have been!"

"You're hardly selling this to me."

"Come on Captain, one favour can't be that bad right?" she asked, wheedling.

Toshiro raised an eyebrow and crossed him arms.

"The last time you got me to agree to do you a favour, I had to go to the living world and buy you tampons." He said flatly.

To her credit, Rangiku did look a little chagrined.

"But wasn't it nice? Doing something for me, your lovely lieutenant?" she asked, battling her eyelashes.

"It was the most humiliating experience of my afterlife."

She pouted again and sidled over to where he reclined in his chair. She sat on his desk in front of him and leaned over, exposing a generous amount of cleavage.

Her lips curved into a smile.

"Do you need persuading?"

He paused as though he was thinking it over.

"I might."

Her smile grew. She leaned closer until their noses were almost touching.

"If you won't do it for your lieutenant, will you do it for your girlfriend?" she murmured.

"It depends." He said, just as quietly, his eyes flickering down to her lips before returning to her eyes.

"On?"

"Whether or not she can persuade me."

"Oh I think she can."

* * *

><p>Nanao was stressed. Everyone had reported in, save Rangiku. But the woman could look after herself. By a stroke of unimaginable luck, they had an entire list. Well, part of an entire list. Rangiku had yet to come back and they were still waiting on her results, but Nanao was sure she had prevailed. It was after all, <em>Matsumoto.<em>

"So," she began, "Who's going to get Kurosaki?"

There was some mumbling and the general consensus was: no-one could be bothered to go to the living world and convince the bad tempered teen to pose half naked for a Death God publicity stunt.

She sighed before being interrupted by Kiyone.

"I heard from Captain Ukitake that he's coming to Soul Society today, to speak to Captain Kuchiki."

Nanao sighed in relief. That made everything so much easier. Now, if only Matsumoto decided to come back.

* * *

><p>"Well?" Rangiku asked, trying to catch her breath, a sparkle in her eye. "Are you going to hear me out?"<p>

Toshiro hummed, tightening his grip on the woman sprawled in his arms. The couch was comfortable, he thought. No wonder she spent so much time on it.

"Is that a yes?" she ventured.

"Go on then. Mind you, this doesn't mean I'll agree."

Matsumoto beamed. She leant up and pressed a quick kiss to the side of his neck and began to explain.

"Well, the SWA are having a... problem. You see, we're low on funds and so we got together and decided to do some fundraising." She said. Toshiro had a bad feeling about this. "Well, we were all thinking of ideas and then Captain Soi Fong suggested a calendar!"

"A... calendar?" he repeated uncertainly.

"Yeah," she nodded, causing her hair to tickle his nose. "Featuring the most attractive men in the Soul Society. Well, kind of. Kurosaki isn't in Soul Society I know, but we included him anyway."

Now he had a _really_ bad feeling about this so called fundraiser .

"And best of all, they have to pose _shirtless! _Isn't it great?"

She was practically bouncing with excitement, and considering she was still in his lap, he rather wanted her to stop before-

Ahem, before something happened.

"I wouldn't know Matsumoto. I can't really see the appeal." He said wryly.

She got a glint in her eye and angled her head up to look at him.

"Oh I can. Especially when _you've_ been selected as Mr. December."

"What?"

She giggled.

"Yeah, you have to take your shirt off and have a picture taken of you! Then it'll be made into a calendar and every woman in the Soul Society will buy one!" He could have sworn little hearts appeared in her eyes.

"Absolutely not!" he protested, loosening his hold on his lieutenant who twisted round to sit on him, pinning him to the sofa. He looked around desperately, no escape.

She propped her elbows on his shoulders, letting her arms stretch out behind them.

"Well? You _are_ going to do it aren't you?" she batted her eyelashes.

"U-uhh." Toshiro cursed himself for stammering. Although, he reasoned, _she_ was the one who hadn't been coherent last ni- Ahem. Moving on.

She pressed herself closer. Toshiro realised belatedly, that she was rather heavy. But he wasn't going to mention that.

"For me?" she said in a voice so innocent, any judge would have convicted her for it alone. "Please?"

She pulled out the big guns. Her eyes widened slightly and they began to glisten, she bit her lower lip and moved her face very close to his. Unfortunately for Rangiku, as powerful as this look was, her captain in his many years of serving with her had become quite immune.

"Completely, indisputably and unequivocally _no."_

Rangiku's jaw dropped.

"But- but- but-!" she stuttered.

"Sorry Rangiku, but no means no."

She narrowed her eyes.

"Fine then. You leave me no choice."

Toshiro tensed, a fight or flight response kicking in.

Quicker than he had thought possible, she got off him (making him miss her weight and warmth) and stood with her arms folded in the middle of the office.

"I'm sorry Captain," she said mournfully. "but it has to be done." She gave a surprisingly loud whistle.

"Wha-"

Before the young Captain could ask what on earth she was doing, something burst through his door.

"Rangiku." Soi Fong greeted with a curt nod.

Hitsugaya stared. _What the f-_

Before he could finish his curse, his eyes widened and he threw himself to the side, avoiding a kunai by mere inches.

"What the _hell_ are you two _doing_?" he asked. Toshiro Hitsugaya was, to put it frankly, _not_ happy.

Soi Fong didn't answer with words, but a hail of her signature knives barely missed him as he twisted out of the way. One was too quick and sliced though the fabric of his shihakusho and exposed the skin underneath.

Rangiku cheered.

"_Yes! _Nice one, just a few more cuts and we'll have it off!"

Toshiro growled and he rolled to the right.

Soi Fong unleashed a hail of kunai that made the captain lean back, he tipped and executed a handspring that took him outside.

He grimaced. Women were _far _more trouble than they were worth.

"C'mon Captain! Hold still!" the teasing voice of his lieutenant drifted to his ears a few seconds after another volley of knives.

He swore as one ripped his sleeve. It flapped and got in his way so he gave it a harsh tug and ripped it completely off, leaving his arm bare. His lieutenant wolf whistled. He scowled. This was not going well. He took a breath. So they wanted to play did they? He could do that.

* * *

><p>Ichigo Kurosaki was having a nice afternoon. The sun was shining, no-one was trying to kill him and everything was good and normal.<p>

He breathed in the fresh air and carried on walking back to the Senkaimon gate, where he could go home. He had, having finished his business with Byakuya, decided to have a bit of a wander, and was enjoying doing nothing for once.

He passed two shinigami, both female, and thought he saw them staring at him, he looked around but they were chatting harmlessly. He shrugged it off and carried on walking. He felt the back of his neck prickle. He frowned. Someone was watching him, he was sure of it. It turned his head quickly, but saw only a handful of women coming out of a bathhouse. He narrowed his eyes and walked a little bit faster. He heard a noise and whipped round, only to see nothing behind him. He must be getting paranoid.

He cocked his head to the side. What _was_ that sound? It almost sounded like-

"Move it! Out of the way!"

He knew that voice. It was getting closer.

Ichigo's eyes widened. He didn't get out of the way in time.

_Wham!_

He tumbled to the ground in a tangle of limbs and swearwords. He looked up, dazed.

"Kurosaki?"

Ichigo blinked.

"Toshiro?" he ventured. He expression clouded over. "What the _hell_ are you doing, running around like that?" he said loudly, pulling himself to his feet and glaring at the smaller male who was brushing himself clean of the dust. Ichigo dimly noticed that his uniform was rather less than whole.

"Don't you ever like, _look_ where you're going?" he ranted. He was cut off when the Captain suddenly grabbed his arm and pulled him into a Flash Step. They hit the ground with a thud.

Ichigo spluttered.

"What is the big idea-"

He quieted when a frosty glare was sent his way.

"You should be thanking me Kurosaki. I just saved your ass and now you're yelling at me? How pleasant." Hitsugaya said grumpily.

Ichigo snorted.

"Saved me? From what, may I ask?"

He saw Hitsugaya's face take on a blank, traumatised look. The orange haired substitute's brow creased in concern.

The small Captain spoke in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

"The SWA."

...

"The who?"

"You don't know?" he asked incredulously.

Ichigo shook his head.

"Shinigami Women's Association yeah? Hmm, I think Rukia mentioned them once... Aren't they like a women only club or something?" he guessed.

Hitsugaya nodded.

"You're about right. Before, they were only moderately terrifying, now they have an _idea._"

Ichigo, despite knowing less than nothing about the SWA and their infamous ideas, felt a shiver run down his spine.

In spite of this, he had to ask.

"What idea?"

Hitsugaya sighed and sat down heavily on an old box that was lying on the floor of the storeroom they were currently holed up in.

Ichigo lent against the wall.

"I'm not going to sugar coat this for you Kurosaki. The SWA are doing a fundraiser. They're making a calendar."

"What's so bad about that?" Ichigo butted in. The Captain gave him a look.

"_If_ you would let me finish." He said sharply and Ichigo rolled his eyes and held his hands up in surrender. "The calendar will feature twelve poor sods who the SWA have decided will pose half naked for photos that will be published throughout the Seireitei in the form of a calendar. Both of us fall into the 'poor sod' category."

There was a moment of silence.

"My _god_." Ichigo whispered, his eyes wide and horrified.

Hitsugaya nodded grimly and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"We'll get through this. Just be strong." He said.

Ichigo pulled himself together. He took a deep breath and nodded, psyching himself up.

"Okay. Who've we got left?"

Hitsugaya looked approving and sat back down on his crate.

"They have the advantage in numbers. We're the only two left. We've already lost Lieutenants Hisagi, Izuru, and Abarai. Fifth seat Yumichika and Hanataro Yamada were both some of the first to go. Then we lost Captains Kyoraku, Ukitake and Kuchiki." Hitsugaya listed their fallen and he shook his head. "Poor bastards."

Ichigo gaped. The situation was worse than he had originally thought.

"They got _Byakuya?_"

The small Captain nodded solemnly.

Ichigo ran a hand through his hair.

"Shit."

"You said it."

They both sat in silence for a moment in respect for their fallen.

"Right." Ichigo said, his eyes alight with determination. "We're not just going to sit here and wait for them to find us! We need a plan."

Hitsugaya raised his eyes and slowly, a small smile spread across his face. Ichigo held out a hand. The shinigami grasped it and hauled himself up.

"We'll never give in." Ichigo said, grasping his comrade's forearm.

Hitsugaya did the same.

"Never."

They nodded and let go.

"Gimme the stats." Ichigo said.

The shorter of the two nodded and delivered his report in a clipped, professional voice.

"We have an unknown number of hostiles. Worst case scenario? We have all nine members of the inner circle after us. That includes four lieutenants, two seated officers and two captains."

Ichigo blanched.

Hitsugaya looked grim.

"I have a Lieutenant and a Captain after me personally. Not to mention Soi Fong's stealth force." He shook his head. "It seems Rangiku realised she might need some backup."

Ichigo let a grin slide across his face.

"_Rangiku_ eh? What happened to 'Matsumoto'?" he teased and was rewarded by a scowl and a slight reddening of the others cheeks.

"Aw, Toshiro's got a crush!" he taunted. "Not that I blame you, she has got massive-"

He was cut short when he felt the tip of the sword that rested barely a millimetre from his Adams apple. He swallowed and almost cut himself.

"Perv on my girlfriend again and my sword won't stop before it cuts your skin." The small Captain growled.

Ichigo nodded fast enough to blur his features.

The sword was slowly removed and sheathed.

Ichigo blew a breath through pursed lips.

"Damn, possessive much?" he said, "So, girlfriend?"

Toshiro gave him a searching look before answering.

"Yeah. That's probably why she was given the job of 'persuading' me."

Ichigo scrunched his face up.

"I didn't need to hear that."

Toshiro laughed and Ichigo was struck by the fact that he had never heard the small Captain laugh before, aside from the occasional sarcastic chuckle.

"It's a good job our office is soundproofed then."

Ichigo gawked.

"I _really_ didn't need to hear that. Man, don't _tell_ me things like that! Ugh, now my brain feels contaminated."

Toshiro chuckled.

"I wouldn't have pegged you to be a prude." He commented.

Ichigo blushed.

"I'm not! I just don't want to hear about you and her... y'know."

"Sounds prudish to me."

"Shut up."

"Very mature."

Ichigo huffed.

Toshiro hid a smile behind his hand.

"Anyway, we're off topic. The SWA." Ichigo brought the conversation back around. They immediately sobered.

"How long have we been in here?" Toshiro asked.

"About twenty minutes."

"That's all? It seems shorter." He shook himself. "We need to change location. It isn't safe to stay in one place for too long."

"Gotcha." Ichigo nodded firmly. "Where do we go?"

Hitsugaya thought for a moment.

"We can't go to any of the compromised divisions. We can't hide in my barracks either. This may be the paranoia talking, but we can't trust any female in the Seireitei."

Ichigo nodded grimly.

"So, we need to find a place where there are no women."

There was a moment of silence.

"Eleventh division?" Ichigo asked.

Hitsugaya looked at him as though he was very dense.

"Do you _know_ who the Eleventh division Lieutenant is?"

Ichigo gulped.

"Point taken."

...

"We're fucked aren't we?"

"Looks like it."

* * *

><p>After a few minutes of frantic running and hiding, they had reached what they thought was a safe area. They panted and looked around, scanning the surrounding buildings.<p>

"I think," Ichigo panted, his hands on his knees, "We're safe, for now."

Hitsugaya nodded.

"Alright, now we-"

There was a noise. They froze.

Slowly, almost comically, Ichigo turned his head and looked behind him. He blinked.

He walked over and picked up the little silver ball that had just rolled out of no-where. He studied it curiously. There was a bright, innocent looking button depressed onto the surface.

Hitsugaya frowned, he'd seen something like that before, he was sure of-

His eyes widened.

"Kurosaki! Don't push-"

Ichigo pushed the button.

There was a fizz and a zap and the sound of something heavy hitting the ground. Hitsugaya winced.

Ichigo was lying in a crumpled heap on the wooden floor, his eyes closed and little snores coming from his mouth. The innocuous little ball rolled from his lax fingers.

Toshiro tensed. Damn it. He was on his own now. He cursed the idiot substitute in his head.

There was creak form behind him and, without turning to see what it was, he bolted.

As he made his bid for freedom, he sensed someone reveal their reiatsu not three meters to the side. _Shit_. He'd been tricked.

"_Baku__dō__ 61__: __Rikujōkōrō!"_

He heard a familiar voice shout the incantation and he felt the six thin, wide beams of light slam into his midsection. Swearwords were going through his head faster than he could have ever said them out loud, even if he was able to.

He forced himself to calm down and concentrated.

Soi Fong lowered her arm and surveyed her handiwork. She was rather impressed. The young Captain was quite agile when he wanted to be. Adept at hiding too. She speared a brief, contemptuous look for the orange haired moron on the floor who was currently drooling on the floorboards. She made a few hand signals and two shadowy members of the Stealth Force appeared and disappeared with the body.

She was impressed by the little device Nemu had produced. Apparently, it had been developed by the Twelfth for use by the Stealth Force, only for it not to be put into production. She saw why. Only someone with the IQ of a houseplant would actually stop to pick up a suspicious looking device and then press the big red button.

She turned her attention to the Captain stuck in her _Baku__dō. _It was a pity, she decided, it had been fun while it lasted.

She walked over cautiously, and studied the male in her trap. She allowed herself a little smirk and addressed him.

"So foolish, Captain Hitsugaya. You thought you could actually out run us? You can see where _that_ got you. It would have saved you so much effort if you had simply given up. We promised not to hurt you."

She pondered for a moment, that her expression probably wasn't the most comforting thing when faced with those words.

She looked him in the eye.

"You're coming with me."

She half turned but paused when she felt a shift in the air.

She turned back and looked over her binding. She looked up into the young males face.

"You're not trying to _break out_ are you? Desist at once."

She sighed and was about to call some members of her Stealth Force to move him when she felt the air temperature drop considerably. To her astonishment, ice began to crust on the shafts of light holding the other Captain in place. The ice got thicker and thicker as the temperature dropped lower and lower.

She backed away a few steps, keeping her guard up. She saw Hitsugaya pulling at the spell.

The ice covered the entire spell and muted the light it gave off.

With one last herculean effort, the younger Captain strained against the lights binding him and they shattered like glass, dissipating as they fell away. He panted for a moment before tensing and springing back, his eyes warily watching her.

She raised an eyebrow.

"Impressive." She said, her voice conveying a little respect. She raised a clenched fist.

Out of no-where, a cloud of black clad members of the Stealth Force materialised as they landed in crouches, surrounding the poor Captain. Soi Fong knew exactly how many there were even though the number was too high to count.

He looked panicked before his face closed off and he called out.

"You'll never take me alive _Soi Fong!"_

She nodded.

"Very well then." she said, solemn.

"Get him."

* * *

><p>Nanao was trying very hard to keep herself from having a nose bleed. She was very, very happy to have got the job of beta for the photographs they had collected. The photos of Ichigo Kurosaki had been delivered not half an hour ago and while they were perfectly acceptable, she wondered how and why Soi Fong had managed to get a shot of him asleep <em>and<em> shirtless. The Captain of the Stealth Force worked in mysterious ways. As she leafed through them, she felt the stares of the assembled members of the SWA on her.

"We're missing one." She said.

Rangiku stood up, a small frown on her face.

"My Captain was harder to convince than I thought." She admitted.

Nanao sighed.

The busty woman brightened.

"I got Captain Soi Fong to help me though! If anyone can catch him, it'd be her right?"

Nanao had to agree.

And so, not twenty minutes later, when Soi Fong appeared though the door, there was an almighty clamour to see the photo's she was holding in her hand.

A stony expression on her face, Soi Fong passed the envelope to the glasses wearing Shinigami before being accosted by Rangiku.

"He didn't give you too much trouble right?" she asked hopefully.

Soi Fongs expression hardened.

Rangiku gulped.

"I would have appreciated the knowledge that your Captain can break out of high level _Baku__dō _Lieutenant."

Rangiku blinked.

"He can?"

Soi Fong wanted to sigh.

"Yes Lieutenant, he _can._" She said. "I also underestimated how serious his desire to escape our calendar actually was. I had to call in reinforcements. Fifty six of my men are in the fourth division getting treatment for frost bite. I'm pretty sure the remaining force all have mild cases of Microphobia and the other thirty nine are there for cases of extreme Cryophobia! For this, I blame you."

Matsumoto wilted underneath the irate Captains gaze as her voice got steadily louder.

They were interrupted by a strangled noise from their leader.

Nanao was staring at the photographs in her hand, the other hand pressing a handkerchief to her nose. Her face was as red as a cherry.

"We- we-" she spluttered, "We can't print these!"

Everyone, while slightly shocked at seeing such a violent reaction from their leader, was suddenly very interested at what she held in her hand.

Rangiku sauntered over and plucked the photo's from Nanao's catatonic grasp. She studied them for a moment before blushing and dabbing at a small trickle of blood that flowed from one nostril.

Now the rest of the SWA were _really_ interested. Rangiku thanked god that Yachiru wasn't in the room, the young girl didn't need to see _that_ before she hit puberty.

She grinned.

"We have _got_ to include this!" she cheered. "There won't be a woman in all of Seireitei who won't buy one!"

Nanao regained her voice.

"We can't put that in!" she protested, trying in vain to get the photo's back. "We're not publishing a porn magazine!"

The SWA raised their eyebrows. Porn?

Rangiku scoffed.

"It's not _porn._ He's not even naked!" she paused. "You know, I've just had a great idea."

"No!"

Rangiku pouted.

Kiyone, who had been stealthily creeping up on Rangiku, reached out and plucked the photo's from her hand. The woman shrieked and made a lunge for them but to no avail.

"Give them _back!" _she screeched. "Mine!"

Kiyone passed them off to Unohana, who laid them out on the table for all to see. There was silence for a moment before giggles could be heard and faces went red.

Unohana ignored the slight pink on her own cheeks and gave a murmured, "Oh my..."

Rangiku turned to Soi Fong, who stood impassively and looked at her with worshipful eyes.

"Captain Soi Fong, you're a genius!" she crowed.

The petite woman raised an eyebrow.

"I only tied him up, he wouldn't stop trying to get away." She explained.

Rangiku just let her eyes wander back to the photographs and she drank in the image before her.

Her Captain was there, his uniform in tatters and completely shirtless. He was kneeling on the concrete floor, his torso slightly hunched over. His wrists were tied behind him and his ankles were bound. A rough gag was in his mouth. His hair was a mess and he was glaring out at the camera with hooded eyes, obviously not pleased. Rangiku was very drawn to the fact that his hakama were slightly shredded and hung very low on his hips. The room he was in was dark and bare, drawing attention to the figure in the centre.

Rangiku wanted to drool.

Kiyone whistled.

"Damn."

There were murmurs of fervent agreement.

Matsumoto beamed.

Soi Fong chose this moment to interject.

"I had to use _Seishin rōpu," _she said blithely, "I couldn't find any handcuffs."

Isane fainted.

"Where did you leave him?" Rangiku asked the Captain of the Stealth Force, a glint I her eye.

"In his office, but I had to leave him restrained." She replied.

There was a moment's stillness before every female in the room, save Isane who was still on the floor and Soi Fong, who merely raised an eyebrow, attempted to get out of the door.

They inevitably got stuck and, with much pushing and yelling and tugging, fell backwards.

Rangiku was up first. She glared at her comrades.

"I'm going. _You_ are staying here." She turned her gaze to the Soi Fong and her expression softened.

"Thank you." She said sincerely before her face broke out into a wide, and rather diabolical smile.

"I think I'll go visit my Captain. Perhaps I'll untie him." She struck a thinking pose. "Then again, why waste a perfectly good opportunity?"

She winked and with swaying hips, exited the room.

Kiyone voiced their collective thoughts with a scowl and a pout.

"Lucky bitch."

* * *

><p><em>End<em>

_Seishin rōpu__ means 'Spirit Rope'. I invented it. Nice huh? When I was looking for the phobia's I came across some real crackers. _

_Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia- Fear of the number 666._

_- Fear of long words._

_Peladophobia- Fear of bald people. (Lol, Ikkaku)_

_Novercaphobia- Fear of mother-in-law._

_Phobophobia- Fear of phobias._

_There are loads and loads of really funny ones, like fear of responsibility (Rangiku has that one) and Scolionophobia- Fear of school. (I have that. Honest.)_

_Also, I'm thinking of doing a fanart for this. C'mon, I know you want to see it! ;) Leave your answer in a review or something and if I get a response, I'll do one!_


End file.
